I just did some calculations as to how much money I'm likely to spend throughout the summer. It's a pretty big estimate, I can tell you that much, considering that I still haven't got a job and the applications that I have sent keep bouncing back with "we've selected our candidates for interviewing, and you're not welcome, sorry and better luck next time".

Still, I've still got some lines in the water. Not a lot of fish left there, but maybe something will bite.

So I just met a 13 year old girl who's 12 weeks pregnant with her dad's kid. She lives with her alcoholic uncle. If her baby's a boy, she plans on naming it after one of her sister's dolls, because her sister died in a car wreck.

...any bitch I had about my life is totally invalid now...

OMFG...

*speechless*

Do you work as a street worker or something?

No, actually I met her on online. We exchanged skype info, and I've let her know I'm here for her whenever she needs to talk.

When we got off of Skype she goes "Bye from me and bump!" ...oh man that was a kick in the feels!

"bye from me and bump"?

"Bump" being the baby. We've actually started talking a lot...she's really pretty awesome! She's really excited about becoming a mom, although obviously it's pretty scary for her. This is the start of a pretty cool friendship. Man, I wasn't expecting this lol

The situation with my jerk colleague escalated today. Again, we ended up in a heated discussion, I wanted to get out of it, he insisted on continuing it. When I refused, turned my back on him and continued working he kept talking about it with another colleague (who wasn't really interested in the topic) and kept throwing in "but some people" referring to me and ridiculing me. I said that he should cut it already, we have different opinions on that matter and there's no point talking about it, I'm gonna stick to mine, he to his, but he just couldn't agree to disagree, the worthless worm just wanted to humiliate me, feel good about himself and ultimately he said "boy am I glad I didn't have that shitty education of yours". And I lost it. I shoved him yelling some stuff at him, that I'm sick and tired of him questioning my competence and intelligence, ridiculing my career... it didn't come to more than that one push, he didn't fall over or anything, but shit... thank God barely anyone was present. He was already going home and disappeared two minutes later, after taking a few deep breaths and facing the fact that I might lose my job over this I decided to go after him and apologize but he was already gone. Half an hour later he appeared on Skype, already at home, he was comparably civil, I apologized and said that there is absolutely no excuse for my behaviour, he said that we should just forget about it, gave me some advice (which kinda offended me since it was again among those lines that he's superior to me and has something to teach me while he simply doesn't) I just accepted it and left it at that. I don't know to how many people any of this occurred, most colleagues were gone, two others just joked about all of this, one of them, a lovable older guy, came up to me afterwards and said that I shouldn't worry, another colleague talked casually to me and ultimately gave me some advice for dealing with that dude, that he just has this provoking way and I shouldn't let it get to me and also shouldn't worry now. I know that if things stayed on our floor I would have nothing to worry about, I'm shit scared though that the story will make it up to the superiors and that I might lose my job over it, especially since I'm still the new guy. I keep telling myself that even if things made it all the way to the top the bosses might take my side since they know how problematic the colleague is, tensions also keep appearing between him and his superiors due to his megalomania and kinda anti-social nature, he also has shitty work ethics (just today he came a whole hour late and disappeared more than one hour early - but of course none of this occurred to anyone except me). But still, I keep shitting myself. I think I won't be able to relax unless the next week passes without a single incident. For fuck's sake, not once in my life has anyone pushed me this far. Not fucking once.

I used to post in this thread all the time. It's what helped me start getting help for depression three years ago.

Since then things haven't went all that well. I've kept up with my prescriptions, doctors, counselors, all that jazz. My mood's pretty stable for the most part. But it's my health that's made the downturn. I'm only 28 but I feel like everything is just falling apart.

June 2013, I suddenly lost vision in my left eye for about five minutes. No warning, no prior tests or blood pressure issues. I am obese, but everything had always been fine; in fact I was told that I was in great shape for my size. I went in, and was told my BP was at immediate heart attack and stroke levels. I was having nightmares at the time constantly as well, so I was put on meds for both. I had a reaction to them with heart attack symptoms and ended up in the ER where the doctor wouldn't listen to anything I said regarding the issue. I opted to stop taking the medication and made a recovery, despite what that doctor thought.

Since then things stabilized for the most part, but there's still something wrong with my heart/chest/blood. I can feel it and I know it, but I haven't had a real doctor for over a year. The doctor I was seeing moved and every doctor that's come at the clinic I go to has left within a few months. I've been in a situation where Nurse Practioners and others almost don't believe me when I tell them that there's still something wrong. The best I've gotten is "We may never know, so don't worry about it!".

We got a BP machine recently so I could monitor my levels. They're ping-ponging all over the place upwards to 170/110 plus, or immediate danger levels back down to 130/80 levels. So on Thursday last week, I was walking when I suddenly felt an intense wrench in my chest, worst I've ever felt. Since then, I've felt moderate to severe pressure on my chest, pain, some weakness in my chest, neck & arms occasionally. I can't get in to see anyone who might be able to help short of the ER...and that ER visit was so dreadful two years ago that I desperately don't want to go there.

Also, about a month ago, I had my second near-death experience. An infection in my tooth rapidly spun out of control within days and entered my head/blood. I developed a severe fever and could barely move. I was talked into going to emergent care to get antibiotics by a friend, and it turns out he probably saved my life. Even with the antibiotics, my eye began to swell shut and by the time I got to the dentist, they freaked out at how bad the situation was. If I had waited those extra three days without the antibiotics, it either could have killed me or done serious damage to me.

Add in my Aunt dying of cancer, so I feel worthless about complaining of anything, and being worried about that situation.

My mood has taken a nosedive as a result. I need help, I need a doctor that'll actually listen to me, but I can't get it. I'm tired of the pills, I'm tired of the appointments, I'm tired of the depression, and I'm tired of all the pain I'm in every day from my chest to migraines to joints, etc, etc. I'm tired of not having any money and feeling like a worthless parasite to my mother. I'm just...tired of it all.

What's the point in any of this if I just continue to get worse and worse?

Well, you've got some real problems. It's really good you started getting help for depression and that you've kept at it. Imagine how these health issues would've hit you if you hadn't been working so hard on your treatment!

It sounds like you have at least one friend who cares enough about what happens to you to make sure you don't die of a toothache. It's good to have friends.

As for "What's the point...?" Well, you'll have to answer that one. There are certainly enough things worth living for to go around, but only you know which ones float your boat.

I wish you all the best, man. Heart trouble and blood pressure trouble can really make things tough. Hang in there!

Thank you, that really helps just to hear some kind words. If all this wasn't happening at the same time it would be easier to deal with. :(

1st world problems of the day

1. GTA V won't install or run...
2. GMG hasn't released my MKX key
3. GOG run sales after I've overspent on triple A titles that I can't currently play.

So,Gog stuck a gun in your face?

Demanding cash I don't have like a thug :P

I'll get Hockey or Abbott to put the bite on them:-)

Requiring ONE info (one number) that was SOMEWHERE in one of the four books or thirty PDFs that i have recently read on the theme. Or maybe was it on a webpage.

Should really get into the habit of taking notes on the fly.