My PSU fan sounds like it's dying. It's four and a half years old and the only component that hasn't broken down from the original configuration (apart from the case) so that figures. Blew close to a hundred euros on a new one. I could've got one of similar specifications for 20 or 30 euros less, but this one comes with a five-year warranty so...

Thank you for mentioning Stephen Ilardi :) I am just watching a talk by him on Depression is a disease of civilisation and it echoes what I have experienced: "we were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, fast-food-laden, sleep-deprived, frenzied pace of modern life."

Depression has hit me harder this year than almost any I can remember. Most of that depression is initially displayed as anger. My most peaceful moments in life are when I am out in the bush: exploring nature, collecting firewood, food and medicines, and sleeping outdoors. This is the first year I have lived in the mountains without fire indoors. It is grey here for most of the year and I didn't realise how important to my mental and physical health something as simple as my routine surrounding fire was.

I decided to change that last week. Today I go and pick up my fire door and legs to build a 44 gallon fire drum indoor fire place :)

No problem. I found the book to be very helpful and full of real knowledge so I feel everyone needs to read it. I really think for many people, reading this book will make a difference.

I am going to use this space in this moment in time to release decades of hurt, anger and rage. Fuck you(no not you as you don't read these forums).

That is the tame version.

The following may contain language that is not for sensitive ears, so I shall use the spoiler tag.

[spoiler]

I spent most of my young life putting up with your fucking horrendous abuse. I could have snapped and killed you at any moment and I chose not to. A part of me seriously regrets not doing so. Fortunately for you, seeing the look in Michael's eyes after he stabbed his mother 37 times in the head and upper body taught me that I would lose more of myself than you would lose. He killed himself 8 years after murdering his mother, and although I have tried suicide once, I was offered a valuable lesson: do it again and I won't intervene.

I still struggle to this day not to jump on a train and torture you the way you tortured me. How ironic that the statute of limitations for prosecuting child abuse ended at age 37. I am 38. Fuck you you absolute fucking CUNT of a human being. I wish nothing but fucking misery on you! You might have created me physically, and your actions have shaped me to be a better human being on some level, but fuck I wish I could quell these demons and move on. The lessons you have 'taught' me have infected every single fucking interaction I have with others that I have been close to. I cannot forgive you, even though I know what you have been through and why you are the way you are.

[/spoiler]

Moving on with anger, the inevitable depression that follows. This is my goodbye to my mother. Fuck you.

Just had a job interview, don't know if it went well. I was rather relaxed - if a little over-excited - at first but then they tested my skills. Well, I have excellent skills for this job and normally would have performed admirably but the stupidest thing ever happened: I had an extremely narrow time limit and out of nowhere I got serious abdominal pains. I don't know whether I got stressed out or something I ate earlier hit me but suddenly I had serious cramps and couldn't focus. And I sure as hell couldn't just disappear in the rest room for a while to get rid of 'em. Anyway, especially my performance on the first of the three tests took a serious hit due to this. Things were a bit better on the later two tests, the guys even commented on my performance on the last test and said that they were seriously impressed by that one and that it was the best result they've seen yet (the guy who prepared the test actually smiled nervously, scratching his head when he looked at the paper). Still, the first two tests may have been sub-par - I pointed out why I would have performed better under realistic circumstances (not mentioning that my stomach was trying to kill me) and they said that I don't have to worry, that everything's fine, but still... I'm both insanely angry and nervous right now. Man, I really want that job. Awesome company, amazing projects, very cool people and it's just a ten minute walk from where I live.
Holy shit. Oh man, I'm sorry to hear this kind of stuff. I guess I have to congratulate you for having some sort of closure now, apparently. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have gone through.

^^This.

Anything anyone can do to help?

Your story of your interview reminds me of when I was trying to get a job in the publishing industry before I got lucky with work experience for a newspaper, followed by 3 job offers on the same day, resulting in a job in a public relations company. Your anxiety/excitement/gut issues are most likely related(PM me for more info if it interests you, I am going on assumption here, so further questions need asking). My advice? Contact them ASAP and tell them how keen you are, and explain what was going on in that moment and then leave no doubt in your own mind that you did the best you could in that moment, as well as the moments that followed.

To respond to your comment to my post: I do not have closure in this moment but am closer to it than I have ever been. Writing here was one step closer to that closure, even if it was not directed at the appropriate recipient. I really needed to vent in that moment, after receiving yet another communication from my mother, entitled "Shithead". I made the mistake of contacting my mother and asking her for contact details grandfather's youngest sister Norma(a spritely 93 year old), after my aunt and uncle failed to respond to my communications 10 days ago. The same aunt who said to me "Blake we saw what life was like when you were a child and we wanted to adopt you."

Holding Norma's hand during my grandfather's recent funeral was the only way I managed to cope. My grandfather's death and my mother's actions during that period were the last straw for me. I am truly thankful that I was blessed to have the best farewell I could have envisaged with him.

I haven't had any contact with any relatives on my father's side since I was a child, besides my paternal grandfather who I saw before he died. Tomorrow I am seeing my father for the second time in two weeks, which will be the most contact I have had with him since I was 14. Our first meeting in 7 years(3 or 4 in 19 years) was positive and also very challenging. A man who does not know me and who has not expended any effort to be in contact with me decided that it was appropriate to offer me non-stop life advice on how I can improve my life, rather than showing any interest in who I am or sharing anything about himself (undiagnosed ASD for sure if one wants to get medical). A voice within says "hey dad, you have a black amex card with no limit, how about a tract of bushland that I can rent from you and create the life I desire, even though I know that is not the answer nor what I truly wish from my father.

I know that he is speaking from a place of caring, as best he can for who he is, and that meeting had me realise a lot about myself and my relationship with both of my parents. I felt a lot of anger in the days following seeing my father, and allowed time to pass to see what the nature of that anger was. My anger stems from the concept of "too little, too late" and "what fucking right do you have to say a word when you haven't been around for decades?" It was the realisation that my father is trying the "quick fix" rational approach to nurturing, which for anyone who has nurtured any other beings, be they human, other animal or plant, would realise that love and nurturing take time and commitment, through the "good" and the "bad".

I also realised that I fell straight into the "trying to please daddy" mode, something that I will overcome tomorrow through direct and loving communication, rather than confrontational and aggressive communication that I am used to. I need to give him a chance, and try to move forward and see what happens. Holding onto so much hurt from the past won't help me with healing in the future, but the past needs to be addressed for me. My last meeting with my father was the first time that I have ever talked to him about my mother.

Ultimately, no. I really appreciated replies, however I realise that this is something that only I can deal with. It comes down to a decision within, one way or another. The timing of everything is coming to a head at my least favourite time of year, the festive season where families come together to show love. I cannot remember the last time that I enjoyed this time of year, with the exception of getting shitfaced with friends. Usually I do that alone.

The form of "help" that I would most appreciate is the same help that has been offered to me throughout my life. toxicTom, you contacted me after I wrote the following, and the form of help that has meant the most to me and has had the most profound effect, has always come from complete strangers (and nature). Take a walk in another person's shoes and spend a moment of your time trying to understand them with compassion and empathy rather than judgement. Taking that moment to show another being who is seriously struggling can be live-saving. There is so much focus in our modern world on the symptoms of hurt: drugs, violence, etc and yet so little time devoted to healing the root or cause of these issues.

There is no simple solution. I'll keep on walking and talking(exercise and sharing stories are my best form of healing) but many succumb to what I tried: death, be it slow or quick at one's own hand. Love in its various forms heals that...to some extent. Maybe some day I can let go of all of this hurt. I have tried as best I can with the knowledge and experience I have. There are so many more who are less fortunate than I am. If I hadn't received the love that I have this lifetime, I know for a certainty that I would be dead or in gaol or in a psychiatric ward.

Here is my bitch about life: The economy is so rotten that I can't buy all the GOG games that I want to!

We have discussed this a bit and you know, I'm always here for you to talk to, mate. I am so thankful you've got someone like Thea in your life, and that your relationship with your father seems to be improving. Cheers, I'd send you a thousand barrels of beer and tea if I could.

Thanks mate :) I'm okay. I let out a bit of my inner psycho and rage with my previous post, and I am letting go of that hurt and anger as best I can with action. I got some wonderful advice today talking to Thea's father about how to move forward and beyond the pain within regarding both of my parents.

Seeing my father went really well today. I talked to him about a lot of things and he shared a bit of his past with me. I even mentioned my writing projects briefly, and for the first time in my life, I received encouragement from one of my parents regarding my creative side. Time to work on my lack of discipline. Structured writing time rather than waxing and waning creativity has already begun. I feel calm, motivated and relaxed. These moments are rare and I shall endeavour to continue this path of healing. It feels much better than being angry or depressed :)

Pretty heavy shit, dude. Sorry you've been going through all that. Nothing better than family, right?

Well all go through emotional roller coasters. Sometimes they're fun, but they usually suck. You're in the vortex of life right now. Don't turn away from it, even the pain and hate. Life is usually barely controlled chaos. Turning away from the anger and hate now will only allow them to own you down the road. Deal with it now, as best you can. Deal with it. Process it. Soak it all in. Then analyze it and try to deal with it as objectively as possible (emotional solutions to emotional problems usually only create more crap to deal with)... and finally, move on.

Hope it gets better for ya. It will. Is has to. Everything has a bell curve. Everything.

Well I'm very glad to read that, seems like you're finally getting some well-deserved closure after all this time.


"Lack of discipline" always makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors:

“Write. Don't talk about writing. Don't tell me about your wonderful story ideas. Don't give me a bunch of 'somedays'. Plant your ass and scribble, type, keyboard. If you have any talent at all it will leak out despite your failure to pay attention in English."

[The Instrumentalities of the Night: An Interview with Glen Cook, The SF Site, September 2005]”

It can be difficult to put action to thought however:)

waiting in line at the employment agency. i have the german equivalent to two years of junior college and have to be here.very motivating.

Not just where you are, it is like that in the States as well.

Been really shit year for work :(. Finally started work again at previous workplace (which had been gutted of people and new tossbags...er i mean people working in management). Two days Worked ok. Third day. Proceeded to take apart PDA's and install new batteries. Strange. PDA wont start. Try to charge in case battery flat. Again no go. Try several new batteries in other PDA's. Still no go. Checked batteries. Wires from battery to connector are opposite to older batteries. The dumb ****ers who manufactured the batteries (on request mind you) had stuffed up the polarities - swapped them the wrong way round - 600 batteries FFS. No wonder wonder charge. Only choice now is to splice and swap wiring on each and every ****ing battery. Original battery work was supposed to give me around 4 weeks work. Now im ****ed while management works out what to do (turn around time for ANY replacements is 6 weeks).