SpooferJahk: This is not so much a bitching post because everything is going good for me to some extent, but more or less me voicing concern about my life right now...

I just graduated from my local community college with an associates in arts and science degree as a start for something bigger. I plan on going to a bigger and better school in the future though that won't happen until I can fork over the money for it and decide on what I want to do. Currently, I plan on working for quite some time to build up enough currency so I can move on and to kind of start my life since it was so hollow before and after college. This is where my concerns come in, I didn't work at all during my time in college because I used this time to fight some nasty demons that were disturbing me since my days in high school. At the end of high school, I was a very angry, bitter, socially awkward person who honestly didn't give a crap about anything. The angry, bitter, and not caring part is gone but I am still very socially awkward thanks to many different factors.

What is bothering me is that, will I be able to make friends and have a relationship in the future and near future? I mean, people honestly scare the living daylights out of me because I am afraid that any action I do will set off some sort of alarm that will make them just blast me to oblivion. It's almost like my mind is set to a 1984 mode where I am afraid that if I do something wrong, I will get canned because I didn't follow a proper procedure. This whole mindset is because of a couple of things, throughout my schooling before college I was bullied frequently and I was never able to get help from anyone. All I was told was to ignore it, despite it being both physical and mental abuse. I was frequently labeled as a fag and got bitch slapped, shoved into stuff, kicked in the shins, and my property destroyed. The other factor was that I was friends with a guy that I used to consider my best friend, but the thing is though is that he hated it when I was being myself the whole time I was friends with him.

This guy HATED it when I would bring up what if scenarios, talk about things he is not familiar with, laugh at stuff that is stupid (I couldn't admit to liking Family Guy or American Dad in front of him without him snapping at me for liking idiotic crap), and getting him to try new things. It also didn't help that he was a general asshole to me by implying that anything I did was wrong and would avoid talking to me because he was annoyed of the stuff I did, despite it not being anything bad. This has got me into this position where I am afraid to even be myself in front of anyone even if they don't care what I am doing. When someone walks into the room where I am doing something, I stop being afraid that I will be yelled and raged at for doing something. A good example is when I am listening to music, I must shut it off if someone comes near the room I am playing it in because I am afraid of them lashing out at me for listening to something that they do not approve of. This affected me because this was all done by someone that I thought at the time cared about me and generally enjoyed my presence, and to find out that all I did was just a nuisance to him just affected myself psychologically being permanently afraid of being myself in front of anyone, even if they truly cared about me.

As a result of this, I have not made any new friends outside of two that I was friends with before but wasn't really being a good friend to because of that guy I mentioned earlier. I have yet to have a girlfriend because I honestly don't know where to start and I am afraid that showing who I am will just make every female scoff and beat me for trying to even be friendly to them. I also get that same feeling when I talk to males as well, feeling like if I were to try and be friends with them it will all end in disaster since I don't know how to initiate a conversation without it ending in awkwardness. I have been getting slightly better at overcoming this problem thanks to breaking off ties with that friend I mentioned earlier, but I still have that problem and I can't say I know how to properly fix it. I would seek counseling but after a disaster with a counselor in high school trying to get me into Child Protective Services because of a meltdown from stress, I can't trust any form of psychological help at all and have yet to be convinced that going to seek it will result in everything getting better.

Ok this post did involve me getting a bit bitchy and emo. Sorry for the long post but I just had to spill this out somewhere and I feel that the GOG community will probably respond to it better than anyone else, I hope.

Hawk52: Not a good day overall.

I went to my doctor to talk about my depression medication and other issues. Of note, was I woke up a few weeks ago with temporary blindness in my left eye. This concerned me.

I came out finding that in eight months, I've somehow gained A HUNDRED POUNDS, and my blood pressure has skyrocketed up to dangerous levels. What happened? Hell if I know, nothing has changed that I'm aware of. I'm being put on new medication, and they strongly urged me to keep in regular contact.

And if that wasn't enough, when I got home, I dislocated my patella sending me screaming down to the ground in horrible pain and am back to walking with a limp and a major sad frown.

tinyE: I think I have the flu, shit! The flu while not quite as severe can be just as debilitating as cancer. On the plus side I have an excuse to avoid the B&B guest for a few days. :D

My luck the B&B guest the next few days are going to be a pair of curvy nymphos who crave wild hot sex with dorks who love the Settlers games.

langurmonkey: You are joking yes? If not, I feel sorry for you.

tinyE: I don't think so, about the flu anyway. The cancer comment not really joking either. At least when I was on chemo I was loaded all the time; you can't really do that with the flu. Well you could but it would look bad. :P

langurmonkey: Nevermind, I read your post wrong. I thought you said the B&B guests the next few days are going to be a pair of curvy nymphos who crave wild hot sex with dorks who love the Settlers games. Don't worry man, the guests will probably be a married old couple.

tinyE: Your missread made me laugh which right now is the best medicine. Thanks. :D

I'm going to curl up and try to sleep this thing off. Later.

SpooferJahk: ...I couldn't admit to liking Family Guy or American Dad in front of him without him snapping at me for liking idiotic crap...

I2: have you been screened for diabetes? that would explain the symptoms you describe

tinyE: I think I have the flu, shit! The flu while not quite as severe can be just as debilitating as cancer. On the plus side I have an excuse to avoid the B&B guest for a few days. :D

My luck the B&B guest the next few days are going to be a pair of curvy nymphos who crave wild hot sex with dorks who love the Settlers games.

jjsimp: What the hell man! I think the real dork was your so called friend. Not liking Family Guy! What the hell!

SpooferJahk: This is not so much a bitching post because everything is going good for me to some extent, but more or less me voicing concern about my life right now...

itti: On the topic of friends and girlfriends I would suggest that you at first (re-)grow some self esteem before you open yourself up to new people. There's always the possibility of getting burned and with your self esteem on it's current level this could throw you in some circles of depression.
When I've been in a similar situation I started to find new peers to talk to online. It was the high time of IRC and bulletin boards. I didn't realize it immediately but over the course of a few years I've grown to be an integral part of pretty large online community and I even called people my friends who I never met in real life. The thing is that for us "awkward people" it's simpler to express our thoughts in well written forum posts instead of the hectic face-to-face discussions.

jjsimp: What the hell man! I think the real dork was your so called friend. Not liking Family Guy! What the hell!
I tend to avoid people like that myself. Eventually you just say fuck it, I am who I am, and I don't care what people think. You'll get there, and there are a lot of women out there that like us misunderstood dorks. Just try flirting here and there with a smile. It doesn't matter what the girl looks like. After you practice the flirt down it gets a lot easier, and eventually you will get a surprise flirt back. It may be from a girl you have no interest in, but don't let that stop you from continuing to flirt. Not only will it give you more self-confidence, but it will give the girl your not interested in some self-confidence.
Not sure what music, you enjoy, but it doesn't matter if it's Bieber. Whatever you like, own it man. I always got a kick out of the young kids riding in their cars playing eminem or whatever hip hop was trendy with their trunks rattling. I'd turn on 'Kill Em All or even Cannibal Corpse and blow their lousy little subs away. The looks I'd get with CC playing was priceless.
jjsimp: Yeah, the temp blindness my brother had one day, and he stayed overnight in the hospital and is now diagnosed with some form of diabetes. They had a real hard time getting his blood sugar to the right level. Keep on top of that stuff man. I'm hitting 40 this year, and the last time I saw a physician was probably 5 years ago. 40 is the year I start to have annual visits, at least that's what I like to tell myself.