Posted October 19, 2019
low rated
for almost a year now i stopped talking on gog after a 1-month ban on this account, i had ciomalau username in the past which got permanently banned.. so i stopped checking the forum because of the toxicity here. but i learned a few rules and i started talking on steam because they're much more friendly.. still i never talk there about politics, different races, personal issues or anything that might cause an argument.. i only talked about finishing games or movies i seen, that's all.. so i don't want steam to hate me too just like you all already hate me. and since you already hate me, it's best that i ask you - because you know of hate, of sadism, because you might remember me as ciomalau, etc. and in part also because idgaf if you'll ban me for the rest of my wretched cursed life to be honest.. it'd just be a molecule of water in an ocean and it'll just keep showing me over and over that i was right all along and that the whole world is my enemy, like i already know...
so the world hates me. or at least takes great pleasure in seeing me suffer. what i would like to know is WHY you feel this way, THE REASON.. i mean what you think i done so wrong to deserve this. was i hitler in a previous life? idk. what i know is for example what my mother told me - that my father beat her in the belly while she was pregnant with me. my father beat me every day for years when i was little.. he traumatized me so bad that there were periods when i couldn't talk at all - i just tried to talk but somehow the words stuck in my throat like it would contract. this also changed my voice terribly wrong - if you'd ever hear someone with a really terrible voice you'd know it was me. honestly i seen videos on youtube with people talking, i seen people talk on tv, i seen movies, i been to school, highschool and university but i never heard someone with a voice even close to mine. and since i never had a mother, my father kept putting all kind of evil women in the house. the longest time in this house was Vasilica Alexandrescu - she would sometimes attack me by surprise or even worse, she would sneak behind me while making no sound, and when i thought that i'm all alone and i could relax or cry in peace, she would hit me. because of this i had to look in all directions, open all doors just to make sure she's not nearby. i could never feel at peace while she was in the house.. and then in school and highschool i met a girl who's now a woman or a full-grown devil whatever she / he may really be. her name is Mangea Cristina. ironic that she shares the name of Christ when she's a devil.. i really doubt she's human, or if she is, she must have some real paranormal powers because there were lots of odd coincidences when we randomly met, or when she said things about me which kept happening. one day my father told me something and then when i went to school she said same thing while laughing.. or at the end of highschool she said that i'll have a little surprise, and after just 4 hours during sports, i got hit in the head pretty bad.. bad enough that i got internal bleeding for years between 2004-2008 and in 2012 too and because of this terrible accident i also developed other problems too in order parts of my body - high blood pressure and palpitations in the heart, panic attacks, gastrite or ulcer in stomach, when doctor checked my heart with ultrasounds he said that i got deposits of fats on my liver too (if it's not cancer).. there were far too many coincidences to remember or name them all. the last coincidence when we met was in august this year when she entered my house escorted by my father, in order to check the electricity panel on my floor of the house.. so the house has 2 floors and there's a panel with an electric display on each of the floors. that panel has a number which keeps changing and i think it determines how much you pay? i never asked my father so idk and i don't care. i have no idea what she has to do with a job for Enel the electricity company, i don't imagine her working so low. anyway so..... in school and highschool there was this girl Mangea Cristina.. she seemed to like me a lot or so i thought.. for what reason? what could i POSSIBLY have to offer a girl?.. never ask me this because i'll never know. she was the most beautiful girl in school and highschool and she was strong too.. not just physical but strong as in character as well. in my foolishness i was thinking that somehow her love would save me from all my suffering... think about it - all my life i suffered and i'll surely suffer forever. and then the most beautiful girl you see wants to be your girlfriend.. how can you refuse? and as you might guess, in the end she caused me more suffering and health problems than both my father and Vasilica Alexandrescu combined... also the whole neighborhood hates me lately for the past 3 years - it's because of an event that happened exactly 20 years ago when i was 14. the story is very simple - a gypsy attacked me by throwing stones because i refused to keep giving him money out of fear.. and i blinded his left eye. what did i do wrong? i just don't understand, i'm stupid!
so this is my cursed life - only pain and suffering even before i was born, when my father beat mother in the belly, to the point i'll die burried in shit. if you have any bit of mercy in your soul... although i STRONGLY doubt it.. PLEASE... tell me, why do you think this happens to me each and every day? and more importantly - how do i make this stop? all i want is to stop existing, completely lose the ability to feel pain, suffering, to think, to remember. forever.. but suicide just seems way too easy don't you think? i have no idea what the afterlife might be but i'm just guessing that if i'll die, then i just reborn and suffer over and over again forever. it's exactly like that cartoon south park - in the many first seasons and episodes there's this kenny character. sooner or later he ALWAYS dies horribly in every episode.. sometimes he would get reborn right in the same episode just to die again like when he switches to the Mysterio character who's got the ability to get reborn... so i'm guessing that although it's not a serious cartoon and you can't really make proper judgements based on it, i think at least part of it is true - the audience of the cartoon is the world. the world is a huge piece of shit and it will ALWAYS want someone to suffer.. so they pick a few characters like me or kenny and this is my fate, to suffer forever... can't you make a simple comparison? how is kenny so different compared to the others in the cartoon? in fact he's much better than eric cartman who's always the evil kid. but no matter what kenny does or doesn't do, he still suffers and die.. just like me i believe.. can't you see that i'm not a bad person?.. can't you understand that i don't deserve this cursed existence?.. all i want is to stop existing. what's so wrong about it?
so the world hates me. or at least takes great pleasure in seeing me suffer. what i would like to know is WHY you feel this way, THE REASON.. i mean what you think i done so wrong to deserve this. was i hitler in a previous life? idk. what i know is for example what my mother told me - that my father beat her in the belly while she was pregnant with me. my father beat me every day for years when i was little.. he traumatized me so bad that there were periods when i couldn't talk at all - i just tried to talk but somehow the words stuck in my throat like it would contract. this also changed my voice terribly wrong - if you'd ever hear someone with a really terrible voice you'd know it was me. honestly i seen videos on youtube with people talking, i seen people talk on tv, i seen movies, i been to school, highschool and university but i never heard someone with a voice even close to mine. and since i never had a mother, my father kept putting all kind of evil women in the house. the longest time in this house was Vasilica Alexandrescu - she would sometimes attack me by surprise or even worse, she would sneak behind me while making no sound, and when i thought that i'm all alone and i could relax or cry in peace, she would hit me. because of this i had to look in all directions, open all doors just to make sure she's not nearby. i could never feel at peace while she was in the house.. and then in school and highschool i met a girl who's now a woman or a full-grown devil whatever she / he may really be. her name is Mangea Cristina. ironic that she shares the name of Christ when she's a devil.. i really doubt she's human, or if she is, she must have some real paranormal powers because there were lots of odd coincidences when we randomly met, or when she said things about me which kept happening. one day my father told me something and then when i went to school she said same thing while laughing.. or at the end of highschool she said that i'll have a little surprise, and after just 4 hours during sports, i got hit in the head pretty bad.. bad enough that i got internal bleeding for years between 2004-2008 and in 2012 too and because of this terrible accident i also developed other problems too in order parts of my body - high blood pressure and palpitations in the heart, panic attacks, gastrite or ulcer in stomach, when doctor checked my heart with ultrasounds he said that i got deposits of fats on my liver too (if it's not cancer).. there were far too many coincidences to remember or name them all. the last coincidence when we met was in august this year when she entered my house escorted by my father, in order to check the electricity panel on my floor of the house.. so the house has 2 floors and there's a panel with an electric display on each of the floors. that panel has a number which keeps changing and i think it determines how much you pay? i never asked my father so idk and i don't care. i have no idea what she has to do with a job for Enel the electricity company, i don't imagine her working so low. anyway so..... in school and highschool there was this girl Mangea Cristina.. she seemed to like me a lot or so i thought.. for what reason? what could i POSSIBLY have to offer a girl?.. never ask me this because i'll never know. she was the most beautiful girl in school and highschool and she was strong too.. not just physical but strong as in character as well. in my foolishness i was thinking that somehow her love would save me from all my suffering... think about it - all my life i suffered and i'll surely suffer forever. and then the most beautiful girl you see wants to be your girlfriend.. how can you refuse? and as you might guess, in the end she caused me more suffering and health problems than both my father and Vasilica Alexandrescu combined... also the whole neighborhood hates me lately for the past 3 years - it's because of an event that happened exactly 20 years ago when i was 14. the story is very simple - a gypsy attacked me by throwing stones because i refused to keep giving him money out of fear.. and i blinded his left eye. what did i do wrong? i just don't understand, i'm stupid!
so this is my cursed life - only pain and suffering even before i was born, when my father beat mother in the belly, to the point i'll die burried in shit. if you have any bit of mercy in your soul... although i STRONGLY doubt it.. PLEASE... tell me, why do you think this happens to me each and every day? and more importantly - how do i make this stop? all i want is to stop existing, completely lose the ability to feel pain, suffering, to think, to remember. forever.. but suicide just seems way too easy don't you think? i have no idea what the afterlife might be but i'm just guessing that if i'll die, then i just reborn and suffer over and over again forever. it's exactly like that cartoon south park - in the many first seasons and episodes there's this kenny character. sooner or later he ALWAYS dies horribly in every episode.. sometimes he would get reborn right in the same episode just to die again like when he switches to the Mysterio character who's got the ability to get reborn... so i'm guessing that although it's not a serious cartoon and you can't really make proper judgements based on it, i think at least part of it is true - the audience of the cartoon is the world. the world is a huge piece of shit and it will ALWAYS want someone to suffer.. so they pick a few characters like me or kenny and this is my fate, to suffer forever... can't you make a simple comparison? how is kenny so different compared to the others in the cartoon? in fact he's much better than eric cartman who's always the evil kid. but no matter what kenny does or doesn't do, he still suffers and die.. just like me i believe.. can't you see that i'm not a bad person?.. can't you understand that i don't deserve this cursed existence?.. all i want is to stop existing. what's so wrong about it?
